I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.