I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Pizza is an emotion right?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.