I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.