I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Fluff me with a fork baby
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.