I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.