I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back