I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: