Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”
under a moving bus
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.