@est1975blog

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

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@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus

@ArfMeasures

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@Maxine12333

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.