I didn’t realize that was an option
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.