I didn’t realize that was an option
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*