Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼