I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Basketball
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Not today
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
