I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
CRYING
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this