I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it