Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.