I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
10/10 no notes
