I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Breaking news:
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.