To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it鈥檚 like i鈥檓 eating human ears but they鈥檙e tasty
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
According to my accountant, I鈥檒l have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 馃槺
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
(walks into coworker鈥檚 office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
You are not alone 馃挌
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it鈥檚 good lighting
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Where there鈥檚 a pill, there鈥檚 a yay.
For Mother鈥檚 Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else鈥檚 problem for a few hours.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she鈥檇 never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I鈥檝e always been this way…
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love鈥e are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Whenever I鈥檓 at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I鈥檓 drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I鈥檓 drinking with my cool friend
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.