Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

This January has 47 Mondays

Sending in my taxes

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?