I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
we’re gonna need another temp
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Barbie gone wild
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.