I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?