I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.