Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again