I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands