Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Respect

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.