I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself