@PsychographEd

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

- @PsychographEd

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@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@ericsshadow

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

@RealSamHarwood

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

@birbigs

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

@McClaneJohn2

If a cheesecake has fruit on it, is it ok to eat for breakfast?

Asking for me.

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@leakypod

[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat

defendant:

me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]