I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
You Might Also Like
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.