I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
This guy’s not having it 😆
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie