I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Cheers Twitter.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
🤣
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.