Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

I just tested negative for patience.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful