I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
![]()
You Might Also Like
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
![]()
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Check your privilege
![]()
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok