Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

My dream car is a taco truck.