Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.