At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You sure about that?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.