Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

#Caturday

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”