I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Penguins walking in 5x speed