I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
R.I.P.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The biggest mystery of our time
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way