I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
You Might Also Like
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.