Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol