Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

I need to get some bricks…

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Don’t make me out nice you.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”