Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.