I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
oh good, now I can stop drinking
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.