Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

“No way.” -Jose

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.