I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
You Might Also Like
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.