I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Had an epiphany today.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.