Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

When you “pspspsp” too hard

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.