Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.