i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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