Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

This could be us… but you playing

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear