Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Pretty much. 🤣

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*