Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.