I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?