Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

When the stylist spins you back around

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*