I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?