I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
You Might Also Like
Planet of the Apps.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?