Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

That’s the last time I volunteer in Karate class.