I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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It’s an epidemic…
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
mom gave me mine for free
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?