@CArmanthegirl

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

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@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@Mr_Kapowski

*sees Deer Crossing sign*

*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*

“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”

@Renanumber5

I’m praying for you…

So if you step in shit… that’s from me

@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@ozzyunc

I poltergeist people. It’s like ghosting but I still bother them occasionally.

@Sarcasticsapien

Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

@IBParker

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.