I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

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<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


*sees Deer Crossing sign*

*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*

“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”


I’m praying for you…

So if you step in shit… that’s from me


Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.


[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*


I poltergeist people. It’s like ghosting but I still bother them occasionally.


Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.



Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.