@CArmanthegirl

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

You Might Also Like

@thejessbess

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

@laurenreeves

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

@CheryeDavis

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

@LaqueefaTeen

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@chrissyteigen

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug

@Stella1070

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

@chagger73

I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.

@Marlebean

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious