I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom