I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.


I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.


[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far


Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…


HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.


On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj


Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug


Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.


I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.


Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious