I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
You Might Also Like
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
New menu item
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
No flush
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people