Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me