I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.