I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
WWE is French for “yes”
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium