“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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God: *creates the crab
God:”You’re a crab”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .