I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
smartest karate player in the world
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.