@dixinormus10

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

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@DamienFahey

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

@Brampersandon_

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@jonnysun

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .