@dixinormus10

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

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@vincevangone

Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!

@BuckyIsotope

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@CutCopyPasta

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

@HatfieldAnne

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

@Xoolun

Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again

@justmiche74

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

@cbdoubleu

Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.

*enters initials

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.