I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
