Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.