I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
