I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
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I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.