I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth