Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.