“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Solving a traffic jam
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Don’t we all.
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.