I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk