Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.