Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.