Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Snack for election night!

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick