Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Voting is the worst group project

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care