“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
You Might Also Like
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes