“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Sharon, call the vet
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“What?”
– Jude
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator