“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
He-man has a Masters degree
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*